i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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