Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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