you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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