Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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