I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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