omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
