Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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