NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
