im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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