Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
