fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Randomize
