M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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