i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
