It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
