Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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