I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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