So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
