im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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