I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
