Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
