I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
