I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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