You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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