guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
