I'm going to jail i love you
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You left your phone here
Wait...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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