I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
