you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
