I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
