I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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