guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
