oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
