Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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