I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize