i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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