Your mouth is God's brothel.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
