My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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