Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
