In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
