she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
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I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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