I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If I die, sorry about rent.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
