They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
