Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
