last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
