And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
