I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
