Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
