I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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