Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
