I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I need water and some morals
Randomize
