Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.