why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.