I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina