I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
