So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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