I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
