Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
