Moan for me like Helen Keller
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
