VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
why is half of my head shaved?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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