Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
